]]>read that and thought it was lovely and wanted to share it
]]>"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.
Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."
]]>james martin cookery book
2. When was the last time you threw up?
about 1 month ago when i had a bug
3. Whats your favorite curse word?
try not to curse
4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
my nephew, cousin whom i babysat, gary (does he count being a cat?)
5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
feeding cats
6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
watching the royal
7. Have you ever been to a strip club?
No
8. What is the last thing you said aloud?
is it ready yet (referring to chocolate torte)
9. When is your birthday?
this month july!
10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
vanilla
11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
diluting orange
12. What are you wearing right now?
jeans and a top
13. What is the last thing you ate?
chocolate torte
14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
some denim cut offs
15. When was the last time you ran?
this morning
16. What's the last sporting event you watched?
dont like it
17. What's the last sport you played?
does the gym count? if not wii sports
18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
bebo- my friend, facebook- my friend
19. Ever go camping?
a long time ago
20.Do you have a tan?
out of a bottle
21.Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
an earring
22.What is your guilty pleasure?
having a sleep in the afternoon when i sneak away early from work
23.Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
nah
24. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
nah
27. What are you doing tomorrow?
final day of course before exam
28. Where is your mum right now?
in her house
29. Look to your left, what do you see?
my comfy bed
30. What color is your watch?
yellow and white gold
31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
koala
32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
i love it
33. What is your birthstone?
ruby
34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through?
i hate fast food
35. What is your favorite number?
pass
36. Do you have a dog?
2 cats dont really like dogs
37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
my sis
38. Have you met anyone famous?
no
39. Any plans today?
too late now going to bed soonish
40. How many provinces have you lived in?
2
41. Ever go to college?
yup
42. Where are you right now?
bedroom on computer
43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
credit crunch, rising petrol prices etc
44. Last song listened to?
killers- when you were young
46. Are you allergic to anything?
iodine
47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
black hush puppy mary janes
48. Taste in your mouth right now?
minty
49. Are you jealous of anyone?
no
50. Is anyone jealous of you?
hope not
51. Do you love anyone?
will need to say hubby
52. Do any of your friends have children?
yes
53. Do you eat healthy?
yup
54. What do you usually do during the day?
work mon-fri clean house sat-sun
55. Do you hate anyone right now?
unfortunately yes
58. Do you own any big sunglasses?
no they dont suit me
59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
What's that?
60. How did you get one of your scars?
fell through a window
]]>
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]]>2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes .
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
18 Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
24 He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music .
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
]]>Bill wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bill brought a friend home for supper
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Bill asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Bill asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe.When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Bill did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Bill keeps counting to ten.
Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bill. If I can talk Bill into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
]]> 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted....
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around during the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream old dutch chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. And as for the erratic dancing... Well!
4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop.
This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now &would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 5pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: -
1.Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
2. Nope, no more beer for me, ta.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
]]>Ok here goes:
Pocket Book of Orthopaedics and Fractures
Now note the joint space (which indicates the depth of the articular cartilage and interposing fluid) this may be decreased in the later stages of infection and arthritis. This may be increased in Perthes' disease, synovitis and the early stages of infection. Examine the shape of the femoral head which may be for example buffer shaped after Perthes.
i tag
sloshed and vexed
orangelilly
irishpete
sbreadon
barel there
as you can see i now have gary trained to wash the dishes!
]]>
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken. "What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." "That was a fine story Sarah." Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon.
Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."
Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results.
Do not cheat by looking at the end before you are done .
1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
..a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts .)
..b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts .)
..c) Painting in the park (5 pts )
..d) Rock concert (1 pt ..)
..e) Going to the movies (3 pts )
2. What is your favorite type of music?
..a) Rock and Roll (2 pts .)
..b) Alternative (1 pt .)
..c) Soft Rock (4 pts .)
..d) Country (5 pts .)
..e) Pop (3 pts .)
3. What type of movies do you prefer?
..a) Comedy (2 pts .)
..b) Horror (1 pt .)
..c) Musical (3 pts ..)
..d) Romance (4 pts .)
..e) Documentary (5 pts .)
4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you could only choose
one of these?
..a) Waiter (4 pts .)
..b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts .)
..c) Teacher (3 pts )
..d) Police (2 pts .)
..e) Cashier (1 pt )
5. What do you do with your spare time?
..a) Exercise (5 pts .)
..b) Read (4 pts .)
..c) Watch television (2 pts .)
..d) Listen to music (1 pt .)
..e) Sleep (3 pts .)
6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
..a) Yellow (1 pt .)
..b) White (5 pts .)
..c) Sky Blue (3 pts .)
..d) Dark Blue (2 pts .)
..e) Red (4 pts .)
7. What do you prefer to eat?
..a) Snow (3 pts .)
..b) Pizza (2 pts .)
..c) Sushi (1 pt .)
..d) Pasta (4 pts ..)
..e) Salad (5 pts .)
8 What is your favorite holiday?
..a) Halloween (1 pt .)
..b) Christmas (3 pts .)
..c) New Year (2 pts .)
..d) Valentine's Day (4 pts .)
..e) Easter (5 pts .)
9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
..a) Paris (4 pts )
..b) Spain (5 pts )
..c) Las Vegas (1 pt )
..d) Hawaii (4 pts )
..e) Hollywood (3 pts )
10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
..a) Someone Smart (5 pts .)
..b) Someone attractive (2 pts .)
..c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt .)
..d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts .)
..e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts .)
Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!
It is very interesting to see 'who' your friends are!
(10-16 points) You are Garfield :
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.
(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:
You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned . Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times
(24-28 points) You are Elmo :
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.
(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.
(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.
(44-50 points) You are Dexter :
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!
VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Company Policy: Effective from January 2008
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a Doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the Doctor, you are able to come to work.
Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave Days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in their picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get thirty minutes to eat their lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people get fifteen minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get five minutes for lunch because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are hear to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, complaints, concerns, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
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